


The Feeling of Fire

by yfere



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, Multi, coda c2e42, coda c2e43
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-08-25 06:10:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16655704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yfere/pseuds/yfere
Summary: Fire doesn't ask permission to be what it is, to do what it does. It just burns.





	1. Wall of Fire

It was difficult thing to explain, and Caleb didn’t like having to explain himself. He spent much of his time, in fact, endeavoring to live in such a way that he would never have to explain himself to anyone. To have eyes pass over him. To not register into anyone’s thoughts. It would be bliss to just drift through the world as a sort of ghost—until he finished doing what he needed to do. Then, if he was lucky, he’d fade away for real. This Caleb Widogast would never have existed in the first place, would leave nary a scar to prove he was here.

  
But now…but now. With Fjord trusting him to keep the others safe. Caduceus Clay, who he was afraid would leave, staying, saying _the world is shaping you into something important._ And Nott. Always Nott.

  
It wasn’t good enough that he cared about them all. That, in itself, bore risks. For there was still that part of him that hungered for praise, for usefulness. And, beyond that, the satisfaction of being right. There was that part of him, underneath everything, that didn’t doubt, something Caleb could hardly bear to touch. It was too dangerous. It was too _useful_. It was the very thing that drove him to every terrible thing he’d ever done—as well as every success. How to predict the difference between the two? Whose eyes could possibly point him in the right direction?

  
(He knew. He knew.)

  
Even so, he couldn’t pretend he didn’t warm to the approval of the others. It was a fire within him—it didn’t hesitate, didn’t ask permission to burn. It simply engulfed the fuel that fed it, and spread—and spread. He finished decoding the cipher for Avantika’s journal, exhausted, wrist cramping, happy little sparks of dizziness crackling up beneath his eyelids. _I am good at what I do. No one could have done this but me_ , said a small voice in his heart. He shoved it down mercilessly. He knew better than to entertain his own arrogance.

  
Yet entertain it he did, in the way he never seemed to completely avoid, clutching the book to himself possessively even as he marched into Avantika’s clutches. There was no time to process the mistake. As he watched Vera trace the symbol he once watched Jester use to find their stolen coinpurses, the world and its possibilities seemed to narrow around him, warping into a single point, the thin thread of a single course of action.

It was time to draw a line in the sand.

  
So he didn’t hesitate. He didn’t ask permission. He didn’t doubt. He smeared a line of phosphorous in his hand, and the fire came, hot and hungry, with a confidence and a power—as it always had.

  
He would find out whether he was right in the aftermath.


	2. A Brief Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What makes a person terrifying?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An imaginary conversation post-episode 43.

“You know, you are a little terrifying, Fjord,” Caleb told him, three days after. It was early morning, a reddish hint of sun just coming over the horizon, and Fjord and Caleb had just stumbled together to clutch the prow of the ship as Jester and Caduceus jet the _Squalleater_ through the sea. _Terrifying._ It was the kind of word that would make his teeth hurt, would want to make him shrivel up into himself, except that Caleb said it with no censure. There was even, maybe, a hint of warmth.

  
“You’re a bit terrifying yourself,” Fjord replied good-naturedly, jerking his head back to indicate the still-mauled sails and the charred deck.

  
He immediately regretted it. Bathed in the red light of dawn, it looked as if the ship were soaked in blood, though Fjord knew—knew they had spent hours that first day scrubbing the blood and bones and ashes of dead sailors off of it. Caleb had been all but quarantined at the time, but Fjord supposed—too late—that not being there for the cleanup wouldn’t make much difference. The man had a frightening memory.

  
Caleb looked back at the deck as well, eyes flickering like he was reading a line in a book. As predicted, they jumped and paused at the precise locations where the bodies lay days before. He hummed noncommittally.

  
“I don’t know. Fire isn’t very complicated, as far as magic goes. It just burns. Perhaps it can be a little risky to use, but it’s not nearly as interesting as summoning a demon, and that can be a little risky too, _ja?_ ” There was a light pull of humor in his voice.

  
“I think they were both worthwhile risks to take.”

  
“I do too.”

  
Caleb jerked slightly as he brought his eyes back to Fjord’s, as though it took some effort to pull out of whatever he was reading in the deck. “Though, it is not risky magic I meant to be talking about.”

  
“Oh? Tell me what’s on your mind.”

  
“You have been under a great deal of pressure.” Caleb’s hands twisted, and Fjord worried for a moment he wasn’t going to continue. “Pressure we—myself especially, have perhaps added more to than helped, ah, alleviate. We have asked you to do a lot, with Avantika, while you already have been going through so much. And you did it. I’m very grateful—and very sorry.”

  
Fjord shook his head, and took a moment to gather his words. Caleb was a strange person to talk to in the best of times, and Fjord was rarely sure of the right formula to use. He decided on honesty...delicately applied. “I won’t lie, I have—mixed feelings, about a lot of what happened. But sometimes it can be a relief, to be told what to do. To not have to—to decide. You know, if you hadn’t put up that wall of fire when you did, I’m not sure what I would have done.”

  
His words didn’t have the soothing effect he intended. Caleb looked _anguished._ His hand rose and hovered for a moment, like he was going to touch Fjord’s arm, but he seemed to think better of it.

  
“That is what’s terrifying. You should not be so willing to compromise yourself because it is what others wish of you,” he murmured. “Or so eager to follow the lead of others.”

  
Fjord could hardly swallow the hot rush of anger that followed. Wasn’t Caleb the one who told him to _do what he had to?_ Wasn’t Fjord the one who saved his life after the stunt he pulled? Hadn’t he proven he was trustworthy often enough? “Caleb, if you still think I’ve been—influenced, to release Uk’otoa—”

  
“No, _freund,_ ” Caleb said. “But I think you will have to make more difficult decisions in the future. I hope you know we—I can’t speak for everyone—but I will try to help, if I can, through the rest of this. Not just with keeping the others safe. I will support you while you find Vandren, and your answers.”

  
Fjord thought about Caleb, bleeding and crumpled against him, and wondered for a moment if he hadn’t seriously mixed up the order of things. “I…appreciate it,” he said awkwardly.

  
“Good.” Caleb gave a curt nod. “I believe Jester is waving at you over there.”

  
Seeing Caleb start to beat a retreat, Fjord reached out a hand to stop him. “Wait, Caleb. Listen. I want to help all of you too, you understand? So if there is anything you need, anything you want to—talk about, you know you can come to me, right?”

  
He thought of Caleb, glassy eyed and insensate, staring at the burn victims of his last fireball. His endless dodging over the subject.

  
“Of course, Fjord.” He smiled, and slipped away.

  
So, he still didn’t trust him. Fjord wondered if he ever would.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! I may add more chapters in the future--I just couldn't resist writing something now.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Ignite](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16666801) by [avislightwing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/avislightwing/pseuds/avislightwing)




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